you're just what I wanted

I don't remember meeting him, but I do remember the first time I saw him, and the first time I said anything to him... Though he would disagree on the latter account being the "first time."

We met in the fall, our first semester at this new school. I thought he was much older than he was, definitely older than me. He sat in the front row of the only class I had with him, but didn't say much, just listened. Almost every girl in attendance was trying to catch his eye, including a few of my close friends.

I didn't like him. Not only did I have no interest in any type of romance with him, I had no interest in any kind of friendship with him. We had so many mutual friends, but somehow I avoided contact and interaction for weeks. The first thing I remember speaking to him I told him I liked his snowboarding jacket. I've spent countless nights watching movies in a dark and crowded room in his apartment, and heard countless conversations between girls who were all certain that he was the one for them.

I remember inviting him to my church. I remember night after night of late night driving, singing every word to our favourite Jimmy Eat World albums, eating at Denny's at 3AM. I remember the first night we held hands, our first kiss, and our first break-up. I remember walks across the High Level bridge, smoking clove cigarettes, talking to and about God. I remember the first time I knew I loved him, and then fighting it for consecutive months that followed. I remember knowing that I wanted to marry him, and the disagreements, hurtful words, and break-ups that clouded that truth.

We've lived through lots together, almost two years of intimate friendship coloured with off again-on again dating. He knows me - my flaws, my strengths, my insecurities, and my confidence (which can sometimes be misconstrued with arrogance). He celebrates me - not what I can do, not what I have done, not what I can one day be, but the woman that I am. Right now. Today.

I love him more every day.

Last night, on bent knees, he invited me into his every day until there are no more.

I remember my heart pounding, my palms sweating, and my hands shaking. I remember the tears in his eyes, and the fading out of the background noise until it was only us as he slipped a ring on my left hand.

And I love him more today.

The New Year

It would be an understatement to say that 2012 began with a running start. I feel like I blinked and all of a sudden there are monumental changes taking place before my eyes, with more to come in the coming months. All of a sudden it's like life is really beginning...

About a week ago Brandon and I sat down to try to figure out what this next season is going to look like for us, for our relationship. The main topic of discussion was, of course, marriage, something we are both ready to tackle, and something that we both want with one another. He is the love of my life; there is no one else I would even think to consider building a life with. Stay tuned throughout 2012 to hear more on this - this is the year!

We are also on the hunt for a new church family here in Edmonton, as this new season has taken us away from our previous home church.

I had also been in conversation with a couple of the directors at The Mustard Seed to discuss the possibility of full-time employment. You see, I decided a few weeks ago that I wouldn't be taking any classes this semester - I just couldn't swing it financially, not to mention the onslaught of burnout that was already in full swing. Now that I had 40 hours a week to give, I was in search of a position at TMS that would allow me to work those 40 hours, to make more money, to pay off my debt quicker, and to give me the financial freedom to finish the last 5 courses of my degree. And then the impossible happened. I was called into a meeting with the new Edmonton Public Education team, along with the newest of all the TMS directors, the Director of Public Education, and was offered a position on this new team! Out of a surprise job interview came a letter of offer for a full-time position doing Community Engagement! I spent the rest of the day praising God in gratitude and thankfulness for what He did in that board room.

And so, in welcoming 2012 I have welcomed the reality of a new marriage on the horizon, with which come new family and new challenges; I have welcomed a brand new and more challenging position within an organization I already love, working with some of my closest friends, doing work I am already taking part in. I have also said goodbye to my position and role within the Vanguard community; I have said goodbye to the LTTX church family community; I have said goodbye to my former position at The Mustard Seed; I have said goodbye to the possibility of going back to Southeast Asia to spend 4 weeks with some of my Thai, Chinese, and missionary friends.

But, know that in all of this, there is excitement for what God has in store. I look ahead at the next 12 months with anticipation, a fluttering heart, and a willingness to walk through whatever is to come.

My Top 20 Albums of 2011

This list is in no particular order, other than alphabetical...

1. The Age of Adz - Sufjan Stevens
2. Barton Hollow - The Civil Wars
3. Beautiful Things - The Michael Gungor Band
4. Bon Iver - Bon Iver
5. Ceremonials - Florence + The Machine
6. David Comes to Life - Fucked Up
7. Economy - John Mark McMillan
8. Eureka - Mother Mother
9. Helplessness Blues - Fleet Foxes
10. Hurry Up, We're Dreaming - M83
11. Lights of Endangered Species - Matthew Good
12. Mine Is Yours - Cold War Kids
13. Mylo Xyloto - Coldplay
14. Neighborhoods - Blink-182
15. Odd Soul - MuteMath
16. Ritual - White Lies
17. Take Care, Take Care, Take Care - Explosions In The Sky
18. Ukulele Songs - Eddie Vedder
19. The Valley - Eisley
20. 21 - Adele

I found this today.

the veritably real

I've decided I want to start writing here again.
I mean, I realize I should have written at least one 'Welcome Home' post since my return from Southeast Asia in the spring.
But I'd like to write my real thoughts here now - not simple life updates through which my heartbeat cannot be felt. Yes. I'd like to write real life now.

It's been a whirlwind.

Tonight is my last night in Mae Sot. I can't believe I've been in Thailand for 3 months already, and frankly, I'm not ready to leave. That's the trouble with putting your heart into people, and ministries, and places... There are pieces of it left behind with an ache acting as a temporary replacement to fill the tiny voids. Tonight I can feel that ache clearer than I ever have before. But there's a part of me that is rejoicing at the reality of this new grief because it only means that I loved during my time here, and loved well.

The list of things that I will miss when I leave Thailand is endless I'm sure. I will miss the heat and the sun; driving and riding motorbikes; Thai lessons; Thai food; Burma and this nations refugee people; migrant schools. I will these things with all of me, but the real reasons I pray to live my life in Mae Sot are my Karen friends in this city. Please keep praying for them, for their families, for their nation, for their freedom.

As I'm getting ready to continue on this journey jumping to yet another adventure I am reminded of all the ways that God has refined my character - everything in me that He has pruned or discarded, the freedom from fear that I have known in this place, the confidence in knowing that I am called. I am thankful for every experience, even the experience of being thrown off the back of a motorbike onto the rough concrete below. And I look ahead to what the future might bring as a result of this trip, perhaps a life in Thailand but definitely a life anchored in a long term missions philosophy.

Tomorrow morning I'm heading to Chiang Mai with the Hansons and Li-Mei for a couple days to say my final goodbyes. On Tuesday I will take a night bus with Li-Mei & Lorelie to Bangkok where I will (hopefully) meet with Peter & Cavelle Dove on my way out of the country, and on Wednesday evening I will fly from BKK to Guongzhou, China. The whirlwind continues...

I look ahead to the next phase of my internship with joy, newly awakened passion, Karen clothing, and a great tan. I look ahead with anticipation about meeting up with my Chinese friends, and excitement in leading new teams. I look ahead though I know there will be more than a few moments I will look back.

What to pray for...
Mae Sot, Burma, Imagine Thailand, the Hansons, the Doves, the Thai and Karen staff, my relationships in this place, and the new ministries born out of them.
Healing in my heart from the ensuing sadness in leaving.
My time in China, that I would be fully present, that we would thank God for our opportunities there, and that we would love well.

Gypsies

The Morken (mor-gan) community is a small neighbourhood of about 300. There are only three different last names, meaning that incest has been practiced throughout the last few generations. Half the population is under the age of 18. Alcoholism, teenage pregnancy, lack of education, poverty and unemployment are the top injustices (whether self-inflicted or otherwise) within this tiny community. Historically, the Morkens have been residence of the coasts of southern Thailand living a nomadic "gypsy" lifestyle for the past hundred years or more, but because of their nomadic cultural practices they have not received Thai identification until recently (last 20 years or so). As you may have read in my previous posts about Burmese refugees in Thailand, obtaining status or privilege in this country without a Thai ID is next to impossible.

And so, the marginalization of the Morken community has been happening for generations, perhaps centuries, and it continues today. They have Thai identification but they are still not considered to be true Thai people by the majority of society. They are poor. They are dirty. They are uneducated. They are broken.

Similar to the community of The Mustard Seed that I belong to in Edmonton, this people group displays characteristics of deeply honest community - but it is still an unhealthy community.

The day that I spent there I taught worship songs to children, played games with tofu pudding, and encouraged them in the importance of keeping their neighbourhood clean. Other people on our team taught about checking for and treating head lice. They also taught some people how to make their own hand soap. Imagine Thailand is involved within the Morken community as part of the health & wellness initiative, but we are hoping to create and sustain healthy relationship here to further our involvement. The last thing we want is to just be another organization, another NGO acting out of well intentioned compassion but not displaying willingness to stick it out with these people.

In my opinion, the only way that real change will happen among the Morken is through incarnational ministry. Someone who loves Jesus needs to move into their neighbourhood, live with them and like them, and be willing to serve them no matter what. A ten year commitment... That's how we will see transformation.

Am I the person for the job? Maybe. It's not beyond the realm of consideration for my post-grad plans. But it will be a hope, a prayer, and a dream for the Morken people that I will always carry with me.